Confidence through Submission

Someone asked me recently how to improve your confidence, and it was basically asked that way, so it was rather vague. I mean, obviously, confidence is going to depend on what situation you're going into. If we're talking about confidence on a job, confidence in social interaction, confidence with the opposite sex, confidence in conflict, and so on. And there are probably different measures that you could use to boost your confidence depending on what situation you're looking at. Now in preparing to answer this question, I did a quick search online to see what the general advice might be for how people are supposed to boost their confidence.

And to be honest, I didn't find most of the advice very useful or anyway it didn't resonate with me. It didn't look like something that I would have done, and it's not the way that I myself built my confidence. So since the brother asked me, I'll give you my personal view. You can take it for what it's worth. To begin with, a lack of confidence is basically comprised of two different parts.

One is the presence of insecurities, and the other is the presence of assumptions about other people, assumptions about their competence, their skills, assumptions about their own confidence, and assumptions about what their judgments might be or not be about you. So almost necessarily, a lack of confidence comes from some form of comparison between yourself and other people, whereby you feel inadequate relative to them. Now self help gurus will tell you to believe in yourself. That's mostly what I saw when I did the search. Believe in yourself.

But that's like saying that the antidote to lack of confidence is to just have confidence. Like, if you don't wanna be poor, then just be rich instead. It's not very helpful. So in my view and in my experience, the key to approaching life generally with confidence, including all types of different scenarios, social interaction, conflicts, and so on, is submission. It's in the statement that you should not fear the people, but you should fear Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.

And confidence is not built by trying to pump up your self esteem, but by trying to cultivate selflessness and even a form of self negation whereby you view yourself as a duty bound slave of Allah who exists to perform tasks and functions that need to be done. So you do them, you perform those tasks and functions without any self investment, with a kind of detachment, and with no particular personal concern for the outcome. Rather than trying to build your ego as a method for gaining confidence, rather you should try to remove your ego as much as possible. Possible. If you think about it, your ego, your self image, your self perception is the source of almost all social anxieties that you feel.

You don't want to look foolish. You don't wanna look stupid. You don't wanna fail. You don't want people to look down on you. You don't want people to reject you.

Whatever. If you take your ego out of the equation, you simply won't care about these things, and you'll only be concerned with getting the job done, whatever that job may be, to the best of your ability and trying to please your rub. Now when I was much younger, I was terribly shy and self conscious in almost any social interaction. But there were a few things that I cared about and cared about very deeply, like the hardship of indigent families and gang violence. So I started volunteering with different organizations that deal with these issues.

In my capacity as a caseworker and as a conflict intervention liaison, obviously, I had to not only interact with people, I had to connect with them and build trust with them and that's exactly what I did because that's what the job called for. And because I was supremely committed to doing the job well, I adjusted my personality. I took myself out of the equation and became an instrument or tool for performing the job. The result, of course, was that my discomfort in social interactions vanished. My fear in conflict situations vanished, all because I made the duty of the job the only important thing.

Doing the needful eliminates ego and self doubt. I mean, look, the people that came to me as a caseworker were themselves swallowing their pride in order to ask for help. The gang members that we dealt with were also swallowing their pride and giving up their bravado to try to get out of negative lifestyles and cycles of violence. You quickly realize that no one is as as confident as you think they are, and pretty much everyone is just acting to conceal their vulnerabilities. Knowing this can help you to overcome your own feelings of inadequacy.

We're all struggling in this world. When you know this, very few situations will be intimidating to you, and very few people will seem to you to be so superior that you should feel inadequate by comparison. But again, the key point is servitude. Go into any and every situation understanding that you are there to obey Allah and to get something done. No one's approval matters except your Lord's, and it doesn't even matter if you fail.

Because as long as you try sincerely, you'll still have your reward. And remember that every scenario is between you and Allah subhanahu ta'ala, not between you and the people. And remember that every situation and every interaction in this dunya is very low stakes. Only the acceptance and approval of Allah matters. What the people think is inconsequential.

Be like a slave or a soldier carrying out orders. You don't have to feel one way or another about it. You just do the needful, and you don't attach your ego to either the endeavor or the outcome. Confidence or lack of confidence are irrelevant to duty. And in my opinion, this attitude and this outlook mentality is the best way to overcome any sense of insecurities or inadequacy that you may feel.