The Tomassiyeen's Unmanly Complaints

Since starting this channel, I've had a lot of interactions with young Muslim men who accuse me of being out of touch with the realities of modern life in the West for Muslims who are single and who are trying to get married. They say that the red pill indictment of hypergamy in women is accurate and applicable to Muslim women in the West based on their own experiences of trying to find wives. Wives. They say that Muslim women in the West are infected with feminism and no longer look at marriage through the lens of Islamic norms. Whenever I ask for examples to substantiate this claim, what I'm told almost every time are anecdotes about sisters who are seeking unrealistically high mahars, who want to work without contributing to the household expenses, who want to be provided for, and who want housework to be shared.

More than one brother has pointed me to a video by Mahdi Tajani featuring a video of a woman making basically these same kinds of demands.

These are my rules for my future husband. Number one is deen. If your deen is not intact, your faith is not strong, we cannot be together because how are you not going to be loyal to God but be loyal to me? Next is Maher. I will base that solely off of your financial situation And also based on my needs, if those can meet, then that means you're ready for marriage anyways.

Children, I want three. I'm not trying to drive a minivan, but if you need more than that, that's a negotiation we could talk about later. Cooking and cleaning, I don't know if you wanted a maid out of this, but that's not me. So we'll figure that out together. We work together.

We are equals. Money and bills, your money is our money. My money is my money. So I guess we got that figured out. But if you need help, I'm more than happy.

Okay. Here's the thing. With only a few exceptions, nothing she said here is really outside of Islamic norms nor is it particularly feminist. And that's the case with most of the complaints that I hear from young men. What's triggering brothers really is her tone, her attitude, her brattiness, and I'll give you that.

Her personality is no one's idea of feminine charm. She's abrasive, condescending, self absorbed, and obnoxious. But then again, she's basically talking into a handheld mirror. No one knows if she could maintain that arrogant demeanor actually sitting across the table from a man or even in the presence of her welly. And it should also be acknowledged that a lot of you brothers are not exactly the most urbane and polished specimens out there.

You're all young and trying to figure out who you are, men and women. Be that as it may, the substance of what she's saying and the substance of most of the complaints that I hear from young Muslim men are not counter to Islam and the Sharia. Men do have to provide. Her money is her money. She can work and not contribute to the household expenses, and she does have a right to expect support in household chores.

That's all in Islam. I know men are also triggered by her saying we are equals while still expecting to be taken care of and provided for financially. But here you have to decide, brothers, which you want her to be more, financially supportive or subordinate? Because what I've heard from brothers is that a lot of them seem to think that her working can only be justified if she is contributing to the financial expenses of the family. And if she isn't helping to pay the bills, then she can't justify working.

So their objection to her working appears to only really be whether or not they can benefit from her working. It's not actually due to a religious objection because religiously, she has no obligation whatsoever to help financially. So is it that if she wants to work but not contribute financially to the family expenses, you become a conservative Salafi? But if she wants to work to help share the expenses of the family, then you can become overnight a liberal modernist Muslim? You have to be honest with yourself, guys, and you have to be consistent.

It just seems to me that a lot of and red pill Muslims are in fact complaining about the actual shari'i entitlements that the wife is given in Islam, not feminism. And I think that's because you're being misled into looking at marriage transactionally, the whole what do you bring to the table mindset. So when you look at it that way you will inevitably see that the woman in Islam gets a lot of rights while you get a ton of responsibilities. So as long as you're looking at it as a transaction it's gonna look like a raw deal. But of course that's the wrong way to look at it.

Marriage is not a capitalist exchange and male female relationships are not a marketplace. This whole red pill conception is kufr based and alien to Islam, but it is a mentality that has infected even outwardly religious people. And you got this brother saying

End up being a leech. A charity. You're a charity. You are a charity. You might as well go to Oxfam and put your hands out like this.

This is what you should do.

Yes. Of course, she's a charity case. Whatever a Muslim spends on his family is counted for him as charity. Didn't you know? So there seems to be a prevalent almost feminist approach and viewpoint and perspective about marriage among young Muslim men to the point where when a Muslim woman voices her expectations that are well within what is provided for her by the religion, Muslim men think it is unfair.

If there's a crisis in masculinity, that's it right there. Now, if a girl in her twenties is expecting a young man in his twenties to be able to provide for her a house, you know, a car and a lifestyle of the upper middle class or wealthy, then she's being unrealistic. And if she insists upon working against his wishes, then she fundamentally does not recognize his authority, and that's problem. He is obliged to provide for her according to his means, and she should have no delusions about what that's gonna mean for a young man who's just trying to establish himself professionally. That's going to entail some sacrifice.

It's gonna entail some struggle that you do together. And as I've said, if a man looks for a pious woman to marry and marries on the basis of her religiosity, I e her commitment to the deen and her apparent iman, they should get along fine. I mean, men need to realize that when Rasulullah told you to marry religious woman and told you that's the best thing you could possibly do, he was warning you against marrying women based on superficial criteria precisely because we are prone to do that. And when you do that, it generally doesn't end well. On a side note, I'd like to know how it's possible that Tomasin can on one hand posture like tough negotiators with the what do you bring to the table mentality, and on the other hand, want sisters to lower their mahrs because a high mahr is going to cause them to fall into committing zina.

I mean, according to your own argument, what she brings to the table is unrestricted access to halal sexual intercourse, which apparently is going to save you from committing a major sin that makes you eligible for the hellfire and deserving of stoning to death in this life. So I don't know how you can be like, please make my salvation from my own uncontrollable desire more affordable, but also what do you bring to the table? So let me tell you what a man gets out of marriage. You get to graduate to a higher level of manhood. If you're viewing this transactionally, you're missing the whole point.

All of the things that you do to take care of your wife, all of the responsibilities that you assume as her qawam, it's all for your own betterment, for your own improvement, for your own fulfillment, for your own maturity. It makes you a man. There's no reciprocity here. A lot of you young brothers don't understand this because you'd never been married. But the pride and fulfillment that you feel as a man providing for your family, being depended upon, being relied upon, all of this gives you a whole new level of maturity and depth and emotional, spiritual, psychological satisfaction.

Whatever you give her, you're giving yourself because it makes you a man and there's nothing in this world that feels better than being the qawam of your family. Even if it's difficult sometimes, even if it's annoying sometimes, even if it's frustrating. That's all part of it. Until you take this on and succeed at it, you're still a boy. And if you're going into it with the attitude of what are you gonna give me in return, then you're going into it with the attitude of a boy.

Now for women, I know some of you are critical of my channel because I don't direct very much criticism against the sisters. It's not because they don't deserve criticism sometimes, but the focus of this channel is kawama and helping men to take on that responsibility. So the focus here is men. It's not my job to instruct women. But okay, for sisters, of course, you should appreciate your husband.

You should aim to be righteous and understand that obedience to your husband is a part of righteousness and it is your path to Jannah. You also shouldn't approach marriage transactionally. Marriage is the framework in which you can achieve yourself as a mature woman, as a wife, as a mother, being for your husband what Hawa was for Adam. Your husband really brings to the table is not his wealth or his professional status or whatever material provision he can give you. He gives you the opportunity to fulfill your existential purpose and provides you the easiest possible path to Jannah.

So when you look at a potential suitor for marriage, try to recognize in him whether or not he is the kind of man for whom you can be a source of repose and solace and consolation and comfort because ultimately that is what will determine whether or not this is going to be a successful marriage. Is he a man to whom you can be confidently subordinate? Finally, let me say this. All of these issues, maher, the woman working or not working, sharing or not sharing the housework, etcetera etcetera etcetera, all of these are just conversation pieces. And talking about them will bring out the character of the man and the character of the woman and allow them to see each other for who they are.

And if their characters are compatible, then all of these issues can be resolved very easily. The real sticking point in a marriage negotiation is character and the compatibility of your souls.