Arranged vs. "Love" Marriages

Assalamu alaikum, everyone. What's better? Arranged marriage or what they call love marriage. You're already stacking the deck in that question by calling it love marriage because what we're talking about is infatuation marriage, intrigue marriage, desire marriage, lust marriage, any number of things. We'll say marriage that's an arranged marriage versus marriage that is agreed upon exclusively between the two parties involved for whatever reason.

All of us are here arguably because of arranged marriage. I'm not talking about your parents. I'm talking about your ancestors that for hundreds, thousands of years, people practiced arranged marriage. That's the way it was done in the West, in the Muslim world, everywhere. Up until maybe the eighteenth century, so called love marriages were the anomaly.

As love marriages became the predominant system for marriage in the West, you can see a decline in the stability of marriage, the stability of family, the breakup of family, and chaos in the society. So it doesn't seem to work very well. Love is apparently not a strong glue to hold a marriage together, apparently. But this is a different kind of love because it's also, it's untrue to pretend that arranged marriages are loveless. The difference is is that the love doesn't start out with the explosion that starts a love marriage and then it dies out.

In an arranged marriage, the love grows over years, over decades, over time. So that you may have been married for thirty years and then you discover how much you love someone and how much they love you. Rather than thirty years down the road you realize, I don't even love this woman. I don't even love this man. Your entire marriage is the discovery about that person and they become endeared to you over the course of time.

Because you begin the marriage with a commitment to marriage as an institution for the good of society and for the building of a family. So, you know, all the there's all of these brothers online in the sort of Muslim manosphere red pill type community that are essentially giving dating advice to Muslim men. How to make her value you or see you as a quote unquote high value male in their ridiculous concept of what that word means. Attraction is not the issue. If you wanna have a proper marriage, a proper stable, strong marriage that has longevity, attraction is something that grows after the commitment.

It's not something that you base the union upon. We're trying to partner with someone whose values are the same as ours or or are compatible with ours, whose views on Islam are compatible with ours, whose views of marriage are compatible with ours, whose character is compatible with ours. We're not trying to attract the woman for a one night stand. And that that means you both have to be honest in making the decision. And the problem is you're not gonna be honest.

You're not. Even you're teaching brothers not to be honest. You're teaching brothers how to be dishonest in how they represent themselves to potential brides. This is why we need objective, unbiased, impartial, outside people to be able to make a judgment and an evaluation about him and her to say, yeah, these two make sense together. Because you're gonna misrepresent yourself to a woman when you're trying to win her over.

Because already you're trying to win her over, which shouldn't be your objective. There's no point in you trying to win over a woman. What you wanna do is find someone who is actually compatible with you. And if if she is compatible with you, you don't have to the the win over process is is superfluous because it's a match. There there doesn't have to be any convincing in Islam about marriage.

There's no convincing, and attraction builds over time between the two. Attraction is something that has has been blown way out of proportion in the West, and then that has that is something that has seeped into the minds of of young Muslims today. Attraction is the least of your concerns. Men and women are programmed to be attracted to one another. Chaitan is making you worry about something that is the last thing that you need to worry about.

You don't go out into the world trying to be attractive to women. That's called fitna. You just go out into the world as you are, and you try to arrange a marriage for yourself through reliable people who know reliable people and can match you with someone who fits your profile, your actual profile, not an avatar that you're putting out to try to win deceptively try to win some some woman over. Because also, like all these red pill tips, you're forgetting about Awali. You're forgetting about her family.

Does Rula Tomasi have advice on how you can con her father? I doubt it. Because Rola Tomasi's game is betting women. His game is trying to increase his so called body count. That's all he's trying to do, and that's what his tips are trying to get men to be able to do.

We don't need that advice. If you're living the lifestyle where that advice is helpful to you in the in pursuing that lifestyle, then what you need is advice on how to get out of that lifestyle and get back to an Islamic lifestyle. Because it's a it's a chaotic, dangerous, negative, destructive lifestyle for your character, for your iman, for your worth as a human being. Go back to the way we have always done things, and you will find success.